Fear of failure

I started the day four thousand words away from the finish line that is the NaNoWriMo challenge and I found myself full of anxieties about it. I was intimidated by the task. Primarily I didn’t want to let the characters down. I know how strange that sounds - they are imaginary friends after all (and one of them is quite unpleasant) but I have been leading the two main characters to a particular point where it would all allegedly become clear, loose ends would be tied up, moments from waaaay back would suddenly take on a whole new significance and in that context I was too scared to write the words. Another anxiety was the issue of word count. I think I imagined that 50,000 had some real significance and of course it doesn’t really - I think I will have more than this number anyway but even if I had less the chance of writing ‘the end’ at 49999 and 50000 words was always unlikely so where is the end of my challenge? Is it when I hit 50k or when I get to the (first draft) end of my story. I have been working towards that 50k all month so now for it to have limited significance is a bit weird. The biggest issue is of course, what next? I will talk about that more in one of my subsequent blogs. I have been giving it a lot of thought and some of those thoughts are also riddled with…well, effort. I have a lot of friends who are published authors and I know how difficult it is. Do I want to even think about going down that road?
</div><div>I am now two thousand words away from my original goal. Not necessarily 2000 words from the end, even if I knew what the end actually was.</div>